Saying exactly what you think isn’t always the best career move. Social psychologist Vanessa Bohns recently said in an interview with NPR that knowing when to speak up and when to stay quiet can be more challenging than figuring out how to phrase your thoughts. “There are times when honesty is the best policy,” Bohns said. “On the other hand, honesty is not the best policy if whatever we say is going to be honest without any instrumental value.” In her book Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share—and What to Keep to Yourself, published in October, Bohns draws on research to explore which thoughts and feelings are worth voicing, and which are better left unsaid. Her guidance spans everything from offering an honest opinion to celebrating a win, apologizing or opening up. People can find it hard to deliver criticism, even comments meant to help. “It pains us to embarrass or hurt other people,” Bohns said.
Researchers call it the MUM effect, or minimizing unpleasant messages. It’s a marker of a general human tendency to hold back bad news more than good news. Bohns advised workers to ask themselves three questions before sharing their honest opinion or feedback. First, is this information helpful? Second, would I want to hear this?
And finally, do they want my feedback? Speaking up tells the other person that you noticed something and felt it mattered enough to mention, according to Bohns. The question, then, isn’t simply whether your opinion is honest, but if it serves the person hearing it. Will it help them improve or offer insight into themselves? If your opinion is unkind or about something they can’t change, it might be the better route to keep it to yourself. If a new colleague repeatedly mispronounces the CEO’s name, gently correcting them now could spare them embarrassment later. Pointing it out could feel uncomfortable in the moment, but it could end up helping your colleague make a good impression on senior management. Before holding back with honesty or feedback, consider whose feelings you are protecting. As Bohns writes in her book: “Are you being kind, or are you avoiding your own discomfort?” Bohns advises against giving advice to someone who hasn’t asked for it.
You may end up explaining something they already understand better than you do, she said. Even with good intentions, deciding what someone needs to hear or how much honesty they can handle can come across as condescending, Bohns writes in her book. Instead of making that decision for them, ask if they’d welcome your feedback. “Give them the autonomy, then respect their decision, whatever it might be,” she said. Saying exactly what you think isn’t always the best career move. Social psychologist Vanessa Bohns recently said in an interview with NPR that knowing when to speak up and when to stay quiet can be more challenging than figuring out how to phrase your thoughts. “There are times when honesty is the best policy,” Bohns said. “On the other hand, honesty is not the best policy if whatever we say is going to be honest without any instrumental value.”
